Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
