I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
