someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
