note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
