Umm I'm too high to move.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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