i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
