so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize