Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize