So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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