I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
