I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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