Can i not drive my cunt home
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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