I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
