I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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