If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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