I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
