After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
How external is "for external use only"?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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