The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
