All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
