I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
