When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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