who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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