You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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