R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I faked an abortion last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i think i just lost a toe
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize