I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
