Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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