all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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