I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
