Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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