when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
