i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
