I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
