She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize