totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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