I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
