Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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