So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
