I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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