im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
