this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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