Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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