so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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