I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
