shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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