just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
