Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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