I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
