Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
