I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize