Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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