Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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