New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
