he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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