Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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