So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
