I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
