So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
