I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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