wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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