Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
